Dreams, Expectations and My Reality

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Way back when I was young, I used to want to inspire people from all walks of life, and all ages. I wanted to influence people in ways I am not even sure how. Whenever I was requested to write in my friends’ journals or  in our high school year book, I always give two answers of what I want to become. I want to be a world’s renowned cardiologist someday and I want to inspire people to be better. Few years later, I faced several hurdles in life, grew up, and realized that the world is not all about beautiful colours and laughter. I came across the different forms of betrayal from different people I have grown up with and look up to, heartaches in different levels, disappointments in dreams and promises and a game of tag with death at some point. From those rollercoaster rides of emotions and changing views about the world and people around me, I have simply forgotten that I wanted to inspire people. And to top it off, I am still far from being the world’s most renowned cardiologist.

Among the two dreams that I have nurtured over the years, becoming a doctor has been the most difficult to achieve. Well, let’s be honest, I wasn’t born with a golden spoon in my mouth, much more a silver or a bronze spoon. (No pun intended here.) I worked my way to where I am now. Work my way to the top meant a difficult climb with huge sacrifices I made just to become one success story. I gave up meaningful relationships, family time, friendships and opportunities just to be able to provide for my family. After all, my success story is about my family. Let’s put the career story sometime in the future. I just hope it’s one successful happy ending. But seriously, until now, I am still traversing to my dream career path. Some have said that I won’t be able to make it, and age and financial issues were constantly raised. Sure, I have already included that in the equation. But I always trust in author Paulo Coelho’s most moving and powerful mantra in his book The Alchemist. “When you truly want something, the universe will conspire to make it come true.”

I was once told by someone keenly observant that  I am a type of woman who knows what I want. At some point, I yes, I know what I want. However, getting to what I want is somehow unclear yet. Sure, there are ways, there are hurdles, there are opportunities and help offered but to me, it is still a portrait waiting to be painted. I have made plans, that in the end, they just crumbled right before my eyes. I have prayed hard, although at this point I felt that I need to pray harder. Until such a time came when I felt tired of planning and praying that I decided to keep on desiring what I want and work for it without expecting too much in the end. If my dreams will fail, I can easily get a rope and tie it around my neck. HAHA. Kidding. I am aware that it is still a long way to go. So I just keep on moving forward. As the saying goes, “ I am still be far from my destination but I am closer from where I was yesterday”.

I know I will be able to go around hospitals in white coat and a stethoscope in my neck someday and be called “Doctor” but I just realized that in the current place I am in, I am already a successful story in inspiring people from different walks of life. Don’t get me wrong. I never wanted to be another Saint Theresa or any other established personality like Oprah or Ellen DeGeneres. Hell no. Since I was little, I was raised to believe that when you do good, people will look up to you. And you will earn respect. It was a very compound, enormous, and immense counsel that I took quite literally. During my childhood, I never knew poverty, disdain, anger, hurt, disrespect and betrayal. All I knew is respect, mutual love, love for family, fierce protectiveness towards family and everything positive and colourful in my surrounding. Until bits by bits, the beautiful world I was in was replaced with turmoil and constant saga of physical, emotional, psychological and verbal abuses in different forms. Growing into adulthood is a beautiful transformation, but mine was enforced at such young age. I gathered wisdom not because I wanted to but because it was necessary so I will grasp the severity and the complexity of the situation I was practically thrust into where I was an unwilling participant.

Continuing my growing years in a bittersweet environment propelled me into different directions. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill people responsible for my misery.(Kidding! I don’t want to be a murderer after all.)  I wanted to ran away. I wanted to quit moving and just go on as how life was prepared for me. Yet in the end, I knew what I truly wanted. I wanted to see the light behind the dark brooding linings. I wanted to continue my dreams and continue living. So, I took courage from the eyes of the people I loved desperate for my help being the only salvation they look up to and brushed my bruised knees. I quit asking why and how could God do this and that. Instead, I started to look around and ask how will I be able to change our world and do something about the crisis we were put into. But then, life itself is a cruel player that doesn’t play fair. When I finally had the courage to go into the battle zone, I was again shoved in to another painful yet beautiful face of hell. I had a brush with death itself where I was forever branded that I once belonged to death but I was snatched at the right time.

All those years while I tried to go on with the few remaining battles along my journey, I have discovered myself in a different light. And people whom I allowed to have a glimpse of my journey had been able to see me in a different beautiful and intricate personality. And I am humbled when strangers I have talked with become more appreciative of what they have or what they have gone through.

Perchance, I met someone evanescent  and ambivalent who by any means created a ripple effect of influence and respect. It is not all the time that I allow myself to become a story teller and will ask for a moral learned after wards. Sometimes, I become the listener and self introspect at the end of an enchanting story. Most often, it is a trade of narratives where we both collect significant life’s lessons and various play of emotions – gratitude, self worth, self appreciation, disgust, or caution. Over the fine and exquisite air of expensive dining, I was given a chance to know another beautiful soul. Although time did not permit a thorough opportunity of knowing and acknowledging this being, I was given a few period to understand the complicacy of this person’s bearing. I felt an immense sense of appreciation to be allowed to peregrinate into this person’s life, dreams, ambitions and dislike of the conforming society with regards to being true to oneself and be an island or to harmonize with the vicious cycles of sham, facades, and superficiality. I have disagreed over the conclusion of pseudo paranoia just because I tend to anticipate events prior hand and agreed over several facets of our conversations. I basked in the circumstance of intelligent and factual conversations such as economy, prominent government figures, and I travelled in some places through this person’s depiction using metaphors and exact words that I have read only in books.

It is true that we should not judge people by outward appearance. There is more than the physical attributes and the superficial interactive personality they tend to show.

 

Credits to the owner of the picture:thetravelhack.com/monicastott

 

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