A heartbreak is a heartbreak no matter what the circumstance is. It will always be the same sharp stabbing pain when you inhale as you drive yourself down the memory lane. It will always be the same painful yet numbing feeling of your eyes as you have cried bucketful of tears during those dark, cold nights where you find yourself alone in the bed. It will always be that indescribable lurch in your stomach when you create a scenario in your head where your partner will come back to you or when you imagine a moment that you will bump into each other in the street, or in the workplace. Always, a heartbreak is the one of the most unwanted feelings in the world along with rejection, loneliness and loss of purpose.
How do you move on then, specially if you are the aggrieved party? How do you survive the first few days of the loss?
I decided to create this post to help my very dear girlfriends S and S since their experiences are exactly similar to what I had experienced way back. I bet some, or most of you can actually relate to this since I am sure you have also explored endless means to survive a heartbreak and move on. Between chatting with them, and drying my nails, I have listed several ways to get by on the very first weeks of a break up from my own experience and well, from the others through internet. Maybe too generic for your taste, but hey, if it can help, why not, right? You can also help my friends, or any other girls who may stumble in this post by putting in your ideas and experiences in the comment section.
So, let’s take some baby steps, shall we?
1. To move on is to decide that you have to move on.
I know you will go through several times beating yourself between letting go or to wait for some days or weeks because you are hoping that your partner will eventually hit his head in the pavement and realize that he made a bad decision and he will come back to you. While sometimes waiting can actually give both of you a chance to reconcile, it is much better to use that waiting time to decide to completely walk away when you have gone through a period of reflection and evaluation of the relationship why it has ended.
2. Be nice to your body.
While chocolates, bucketful of ice creams and cookies are actually some “feel good foods”, you need to limit your intake of these calorie laden munchies. You need to take a small portion of food, real food that is. When I was going through my bouts of depression, I actually lost the appetite to eat no matter how hard my friends or family tried to make me eat. I seriously lost a lot of pounds and looked sickly. It took me a while to get my healthy weight back and which included different vitamins and appetite boosting supplements. Take some sandwich, take big bites and take big gulps of water afterwards. You do not need to actually sit in the table and take the three course meal your mother has prepared. Just try to eat some good food rather than drown yourself with empty calories. You can also use your anger to turn your “beast mode” ON by going to the gym, and work your way to a sexier and healthier body. Go to a salon, cut your hair, or dye it. Get facials, have a body massage or indulge in a spa date with your girlfriend. Do anything to help improve your physical appearance as it will help you feel good about yourself too. It will also open doors for you to meet new potentials and it will boost your confidence. Oftentimes, when you physically feel good, it helps ease your pain.
3. Be kind to yourself.
In every ending of relationships, there will be too many questions. Why us? What happened? What went wrong? Where did I go wrong? What did I miss? What is wrong with me? STOP. While it is good to seek for some answers, try to minimize the self questioning. Evaluate your relationship when you have slept well and when you are calm and thinking rationally. Do not fall into the blaming cycle. What has happened, has happened. It will not happen if it was not meant to happen.During my heartbreak, I went through an endless search for answers of some questions where neither I, or my friends cannot find. One of my good friend in the flight AK even told me that sometimes, it is better not to know the answers since it has the power to hurt you further instead of making you feel better. And eventually, I stopped searching, and by the time I have decided to close the chapter, all my answers came openly. If you insist in understanding what has gone wrong, talk to your trusted friends. They can help you think better and rationalize since they are not the ones directly involved. But no matter what, try to be kind to yourself. Do not be cruel by blaming yourself constantly even when you are not entirely responsible for it. After all, it takes two to tango. (You may also check my other post about searching for answers in my blog under the Love archive, titled What Hurts You The Most?)
Venting out can actually help you release stress and emotional pain. Talk to trusted people in your circle. Do not just go and blab to any colleague or casual friends. And never, ever vent out to his best friend. Chances are, whatever you have told him will be relayed to him in verbatim and if your ex is an asshole, it will help inflate is ego. You can also write. I can feel emotional release when I write and blog but I do not publish all of them. Avoid posting lame quotes in your Facebook page or picture quotes in your Instagram. It is not good to let the whole world know your relationship woes and you will become the main course of office lunch gossip. Do not stalk his new girl or you will end up with self-esteem issues by comparing yourself to the new squeeze. Do not be a psychotic ex girlfriend stalking them, or lambasting them in the social network. Do not lash at anyone in the social media because no matter what has happened, when you are the bitter ex girlfriend, whatever your actions will clearly justify the breakup. When you go “psycho mode“, you will definitely appear as the loser. Instead, accept what has happened with grace and always strive to be the better person. And do not wish them well, because we both know how badly you want to strangle his new girl and it will only make you look pathetic. One helpful way to release your anger or pain is to write it in a piece of paper, pour all those hurtful, unspoken feelings and burn it afterwards. It has some kind of significant effect similar to letting go. And yes please, delete, block and unfollow. You can also discard his gifts but if it is too hard to do, you may ask a friend to box them all for you and store it away until you are ready to either throw or donate them.
5. Know that this too shall pass.
I always remember the line from the song by Semi Sonic, Closing Time, “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” In time, the pain will eventually subside. The memories will also fade. You will remember the person, but you wont be able to recall that exact magical feeling he used to invoke in you. And you will laugh at yourself years from now when you recall your past. Of course, along with the experience comes valuable lessons. The painful heartbreak will teach you so many things that you will use with caution in your next relationship. Do not be bitter. It is not the end of the world. Life will always go on. And sometimes, I swear, that very person who broke your heart will someday find his way back in one way of another to either provide closure or another second chance. Just recently, my first love who shattered my young heart to pieces ten years ago came back to my life unexpectedly. An awkward exchange of “how are you’s” and catching up led to a serious conversation where he asked for a sincere apology for breaking my heart. I felt great, I felt elated and I had my final closure. I felt better knowing that the break up was meant to happen, because our immature concept of love cannot withstand the challenge of commitment and that there was nothing wrong with me or him. We were just young,and so in loved but our love consumed and burned us to ashes. Do not hurry and never rush into the next relationship. Instead, take it one step at a time, baby steps towards forgiveness, healing and acceptance. Forgive the offending person, and forgive yourself as well. Do not challenge what has happened. Rather, slowly accept them and let go of everything that is making you sad and preventing you to have another chance to be happy with someone new, and allow yourself to be healed in time. ❤ Hang on my loves, you will eventually get there.