I am twenty eight. Yet, I have been through so many things which I am both proud and ashamed of. I am this headstrong person who instead of going with the flow, I rush hastily against the current. I enjoy diving head first, relishing and sometimes mortified with the consequences of my unthinkable actions. I defy rules, after all, they are all meant to be broken. I challenges superiority, I hate being inferior among neither my peers nor the environment I thrive in. I am different, unconventional and oftentimes regarded as queer. But in my twenty eight years of existence, I have learned that life does not require me to live how it is being imposed. I have to learn it. And here are my top 10 bad ass well learned realizations as I sat in the confines on my room while listening to the incessant chatters outside the living room.
1. I am a child of the Universe and I have every right to be here. Wherever life threw me, I am meant to be in those places. Who would have thought that the Universe will throw me in a male dominant environment where I, as a feeble, teeny tiny female was meant to thrive and survive for quite some time now? Here and there, now and before, I was meant to exist.
2. It is okay to be angry sometimes and it is very okay to be hot tempered. I have a quick temper. And I believe it is because I am both an Arian and born under the year of the Tiger. (Hey, that’s how I see it, okay?) I have been angry for over some time as well. And it felt good and bad at the same time. I kept the anger bottled inside me, and I just want to punch someone in the throat. But over time, I have learned to manage my anger. No, I don’t count from one to ten. I smile and create murder plans in my head. Kidding aside, I agree that it is okay to be angry but I don’t have the right to be cruel.
3. To get to the top, I must beat myself to death without complaints. I hate seeing people succeed because they drop other people. I wanted to be promoted because I am recognized to be good with what I do and I good I am with what I can do. I always believe that I should work my ass off to be in the position I aim for. I spent some time learning the fundamentals and techniques of the job I wanted before I was able to get it.
4. I never stop believing in the beauty of my dreams. I have been told over and over that I dream big and I dream high and that I should stop. Well, it fueled me more to go after my dreams. Who would have thought that I would be in this flight attendant job now given my “special case” and stature? To be honest, I do not think I am a flight attendant material. I always believed that to be one, you should be flawlessly beautiful. FLAWLESS. But here I am. Next stop, a stethoscope in my neck, a lab coat and a tag for doctor. And if you say I won’t be able to do it, I’d say, WATCH ME.
5. I love my job to a fault but I love my family more. Reality wise, my job required me to work overseas. I am far from my family and well, I am always bombarded with various family dramas, yet, I do not have the heart to turn my back at them. I love my family fiercely, no questions asked. At the end of the day, when I fucked up in the end and lose everything, I will come running to my family, for sure.
6. It is acceptable to walk out of toxic relationships, failed love affairs, fake friendships and anything that is unhealthy for my well being. I have fallen in love countless times. I have been broken many times as well. I have been a victim of scheming and fair weathered friends and I have burned bridges several times. It felt good to finally get the courage to just pour the gasoline, light the match and throw it to the bridge and watch it burn to ashes. I never regretted the relationships I have terminated. I felt lighter and better in the end. After all, I am doing it for myself.
7. Never set limits to yourself. I hate being confined to the do’s and don’ts of life. I am the type who likes to go beyond the limits. I had a life threatening accident nine years ago and I was told I will not be able to finish school for I will have memory problems and I was shaved bald. For someone who loved long hair, it was bad enough for me to be shaved bald surgically but all the more it was worse when you are asked to quit school because they are certain that you will never survive the rigorous demands of the curriculum. Eight days later after my surgery, I walked to my school grounds heavily bandaged in the head and determined to finish the remaining months of my school year. Guess what, I graduated on time, and passed the licensure exam with minimal review.
8. Be passionate with what and who you want to be. I am passionate about so many things, yet sometimes, I find myself subjected to what ifs. Over time, I began to battle against the demons that told me that I cannot do it and I gathered strength from people who believed in me. I am so passionate about writing, so I finally created a blog site and it just felt good to be able to maximize my potentials and discover raw talents that needs polishing. There are so many things I want to do, but I have learned to prioritize them accordingly.
9. It is absolutely alright to commit mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes. A whole lot. Sometimes I feel sorry, and sometimes I don’t feel any remorse at all. I am unapologetically myself. I have had my share of gossips, and I have been subjected to cruel remarks. Yet, I feel comfortable in my own skin, in my being me. I say what I mean, I mean what I say. I do not take craps from anybody. And I have learned to respect the individuality of others. I am also not afraid to make mistakes because according to my one of my mentors before in my university days, “There is no such thing as mistakes, only lessons learned.”
10. Fuck what people say, I should be happy at all cost. This society has imposed how one should live one’s life. Goodness, people are so self righteous nowadays, yet they too, have skeletons in their closets. I have the balls now to refuse how society imposes on how I should live my life. I can drink, go to smoke or have a one night stand given that I am accountable for my actions. I have learned not to care what people will think or what will say, because after all, in the end, I am responsible for my own life. I CAN and WILL do all the things that will make me happy. Life is too short for me to worry what they will think, because no matter what I do, whether good or bad, people will always have something bad to say.
Well, I am just twenty eight. For sure, when I get to thirty, or thirty five or forty, there will be so much more to learn. For the meantime, I just simply resolve to go on with my life as it is. Looking back, I can say that I am really proud of how far I have come. And I look forward to what I will become. For now, I will go through endless questioning, spending more sleepless nights wondering and thinking, obsessing about the future, working hard to get to where I want to be and just simply enjoy the roller coaster ride of my God given life. ❤