This is the time again where I find myself in the scourge of a heartbreak. I am in this seesaw motion of holding on, letting go and all the stupidity in every relationship that I cannot just run away from. Either I am plainly stupid for falling head first while I refuse to take note of the warning signs or is it because I am a headstrong woman who loves the explosion of feel good hormones and jumps to the unknown and then suffer the consequence in the end. I choose to be the latter. After all, I am the adventurous type, always curious and a wonder.
You, my readers will actually think I am a lover of stupidity but allow me to rationalize my current dilemma since reality deludes me or maybe, just maybe, I refuse to go through the process of realization and acceptance. In short, I would like to cling to the torture and I do not want to acknowledge that something good has happened and now, has ended.
I was afforded moments of genuine bliss, extreme happiness and exhilarating rollercoaster ride of fights and make ups. Scoff. This is what love does to people, after all. I was happy, and for the first time, I prefer not to go through the details of my relationship. All I can say is that I had a taste of heaven with a wonderful person and now, I have realized that I am still in the planet. I guess, at that time, it was only my giddy head and my happy heart that had the trip to heaven and now, my entire body has descended to reality.
I did not regret the times I have spent with that special person. I also did not regret the decisions I took, especially the doors that I have chosen to close for that person. I could say that he deserved to be given the love, the attention and the best of me. I do not know how was I able to judge what he deserved to get from me, but I guess, the mere fact that I was really happy with him was enough to actually give my best to him. At the end of everything, I feel better while I decided to close this door because I know that I have given all of me, the best of me and the best of the love I can ever give.
I no longer want to delve into the depths of heartbreak. All I ever felt was my rib cage constricting my lungs at every breath I take while phone calls after phone calls were cancelled and rejected on the other end. I felt that familiar stab in my heart for every single message that was unread knowing that the person has been online for some time. The sting of tears in my eyes as I fight back the urge to curl and cry was too strong that it enabled me to stay awake for the entire night while the rest of the world slumber their worries away.
Love cannot live when there is no trust, Cupid spoke this to his beloved Psyche in Greek mythology, as Psyche failed to trust her lover and almost killed him in the process when the beautiful woman was being put into a test by Venus, the mother of Cupid. Many reasons can break a fairy tale. That is why we are all required to be pro active in protecting and keeping the relationship burning. And one of the greatest wedge to every relationship is misunderstanding, and the other person’s refusal to acknowledge the truth. I am expecting great love, understanding, forgiveness and trust. But this was not the case. The moment the other person stopped feeling the passion, fueled by distractions of any sort, there is nothing else to do but wave the white flag and surrender.
My failed love did not kill me in the process. I felt dead for a while, well, at that exact moment when that person refused to have a civil and mature communication with me, actually. I felt numbed and irrational and crazy and miserable. And I gave up but not because I loved him less but because I came to realize that its a futile effort to reason out with someone who is so set to believe otherwise. So, today, I chose to open my coffin and rise from the dead gracefully. I chose to see my heartbreak as a way to find myself; I may have lost myself in the process of loving the person while I took the other aspects of my life in the backseat. While I was good in writing about dealing with heartbreak in baby steps, I actually found myself reading my previous posts and painfully incorporating self-healing in my daily living. I have realized that I have matured in the process of heart-break in different forms. Instead of asking a lot of whys and what ifs and how could you, I chose to walk past those roadblocks and let go. I do not want to ask questions anymore. Getting an answer is not exactly helping sometimes. (Read related post: https://themessagefactory.wordpress.com/2014/06/25/baby-steps-away-from-heartbreak/)
I do not want to know what went wrong anymore. I blindly followed my heart, and the road to that specific happiness has reached the dead-end. It is time to close this book, latch and file under the PAST category. While I promised myself to never look back, I also admit that the feelings I have had for that person remains. I felt no regrets in my end because I know deep in my heart, I was loved, and have loved deeply. I gave my all, with no hesitation and expectations. I would like to believe that I have fought well in the arena of love.
Today, beginning today, I will slowly assess myself. I am precious, not too many but I will always see myself as precious, important and worth loving. And I know that there are other people out there who find me special, and worth of every love. Slowly, painfully, I will rise, like a beautiful phoenix, in the ashes of heartbreak and betrayal by looking after myself. Nobody will love me like I should love myself. Every strip of Band Aids will be utilized to cover every cracks of my heart, and every pain will be used to fuel the run, the push ups and every painful repetitions in the gym. What hurts me now, and what has been stopping me to live will never kill me. For some time, I will only focus on myself. It is high time to dust my diaries and planners for written secrets, dreams and plans. It is time to run after priorities that I placed beneath my bed and this is certainly the time to pack my bags and be in that airport terminal of the destination called New Beginning. And today, my life is a new different story, a blank page, an empty spot. But slowly, I intend to draw future plans, risks and challenges I faced and it will all be in different colors. I intend to make it as colorful and vibrant as it should be.
My flight to New Beginning is calling. It’s time to board the airplane. Meanwhile, I hope you find your inner goddess to help you move past your current distress, my loves. ❤