I felt like I know him though, and I know his heart and I know what he wouldn’t do to hurt me. But I didn’t realize that I was feeling so confident, feeling so great about myself and then it would be just completely shattered by one thing. But then he made me feel like crazy, he made me feel like it’s my fault. I was in pain. – Selena Gomez, What The Heart Wants
I am in love.
Damn. This is not good. Falling in love for me is never good.
I guess you can categorize me with those who fall head firsts, who fall in love without reflecting and those who are hopeless romantics. And now I see myself in the middle of heart shaped clouds and butterflies in my stomach. I felt giddy, especially when he looks at me and smiles. I felt like I am out of breath when he kisses me. And I knew it; I am drowning in another insane moment of being love- drunk.
I find myself caught in the limbo of dull judgment, clouded by the swirls of love- colored rainbows. I cannot think. I cannot create rational reasoning. I am all doodles of hearts and concepts of peculiar happy endings. I felt extremely and genuinely happy. For the first time, I did not care what people think of me for choosing him or us for being undeniably suited for each other. I could not be bothered of our differences, culture or background. I just felt complete, and it felt so right.
The happiness he bought into my life is beyond comparison. In the drought of emptiness, and the in the confines of loneliness, I found someone who changed my way of thinking. He challenged every fear that I had and pushed me into the lion’s den of my insecurities. He changed my perception about being alone, and the courage to stand up for what I think is right, regardless of whomever I offend or hurt in the way. He has the audacity to contest on my beliefs, and imposed on my soul the significance of privacy in every aspect.
For a long time, I have allowed myself to be an open book. People poked, flipped through my life’s pages and lived on how society imposed a millennial woman should with her life. It rendered me hurt as people knew my Achilles’ heels, and vulnerable to jabs of inconsideration, insecurity and impertinent dramas. But when I met him, he closed chapters every chapters and taught me to be a mystery, a conundrum, a puzzle. In a way, I have felt that he slowly immobilized the world I was so used to into pieces of me here and there, available, yet incomplete.
He taught me to let go of all that has hurt me like an elephant taught to perform in a circus- painful, slow and repetitive. He dug pasts, and incorporated in our present.
He is an enigma. He is my enigma.
He challenges everything in me. He takes a jab in independence. He disables me of some things I used to do myself only to enable to me appreciate his presence as my hero who would like to do everything for his damsel.
He made me doubt my decisions; he makes me think twice of my actions. I may have deliberately planned my decisions but when it comes to him, I always do a double take especially on matters that will affect him in any ways.
He is my weakness, but at the same time, my greatest source of strength. He is my oasis filled with cold, thirst-quenching water but at the same time, the same drought in the desert at the moments of intense fights and misunderstanding.
He dismantled my normal life, rearranged my plans and decisions and made me helpless and empowered at the same time.
He challenged my truths, loved me at my stupidity and devoured me in the intensity and magnitude of his love.
And why I know that I am in love? It is because no matter how head strong and independent of a woman that I am, I find myself willing to be caught in this disease of delusion and reality. I happily engaged myself in the forbidden fire, like the moth to the lamp even if I know that if this comes to an end, it will consume me and burn me to ashes.
Yes, damn me to hell. I am in love.