I often wonder if I am the only person in the world who constantly does mental conversations. I used to think that I am queer, different and highly unusual. I mean, I think a lot. I do mental conversations everywhere, in the bus, in the aircraft, in the street, in the shower and almost everywhere else. By a lot, means that I always have the urge to get my phone to write or grab my laptop and type my thoughts away. I only feel better when I put my demons in to sleep by putting their endless whispers into words.
Just as I am longing for meaningful human activities outside the confines of my box and erratic work schedules, I also long for deep, reflective conversations just with anybody. I haven’t had the chance to establish deep and thoughtful conversations the past few months actually. Do not get me wrong, and do not think of this as weird. I have limited social life, limited social interactions and very limited drive to go about my social and human activities because I live in Saudi Arabia. I am greatly bored. True, only boring people are bored. But, welcome to my world where I am bound in the four corners of this box where you cannot go out without a company, nor hang out with a group of friends in public because, well, let me put it mildly, I am in a super conservative country strongly governed by religion as its law. You might say, “Why not go out with your female friends, have coffee or lunch or shopping at least?” Go figure. People would rather sleep than go out and have fancy coffee or a shopping spree because they are tired. Our work schedules are not that rest-friendly. Plus, you have to wear some garment over what you are actually wearing since it is not allowed to just be in your actual clothes, and of course, you cannot stay late or you might be subjected to harassment being female out in the streets or worst be dragged, kidnapped or robbed. So then, what do we do? We do nothing. We eat, sleep, have sex if we can, fly, go home, eat and well, it’s a never ending cycle. Oh, you can do gym though. That is, if your gym is well equipped, plus, if you are not physically drained from your passengers or the sectors that you did.
It has been a long time since I have blogged about my encounters for these “bare all you can” conversation with others. The last blog I had was when I was held in a date against my will through manipulations and coercion which turned out as mind opening and thoroughly thought stimulating. Lately, or shall I say the past few months has been a series of endless and restless flights and immature drama which is not surprising for me. And at the same time, I have lost the drive for meaningful conversations given the few people that surrounded me and hounded my inner sense of peace.
Being holed up in a place where I have limited access to the outside environment, public interactions of the opposite sex or freedom to actually do something without being reprimanded by religious guards or being preyed upon by perverts and sex- starved weirdoes. I believe at some point that there is so much life and lively activities inside my head than the life I currently have.
To relieve my head of the nonsense and some significant contemplation, allow me to bury some demons in my backyard, which is my blog site. Feel free to cringe, to relate or simply leave if you feel like doing so.
I strongly agree to a picture quote I found in Pinterest once. It says something like; you will go crazy and will not last a moment if you try to be in my head. True enough, I believe you will bail out the moment you have the chance because my head is a doodle of loops, lines and incoherent thoughts that waits processing and reflection. I am a thinker. I do not do justice to over thinking. I am more like over- over- over thinking. But the sad part to it is that in the end, or during the course of my cerebral tête-à-tête, I beat myself over my life decisions, frustrations over future plans on how to put them into materialization, disappointments for things that did not turn out the way I would have wanted them to be, and well, some other crazy thoughts that is somehow inappropriate to write here. Nevertheless, I do not stop thinking. I CANT stop thinking. In retrospection, I have always considered myself of being an impulsive thinker. Ironic, isn’t it? For impulsive is described as someone who has the tendency to act on sudden urges or desires while a thinker is synonymous to being logical and rational. I am both, but more on the impulsive side perhaps. Rationalization happens in the end when I am about to deal with the consequences. In all the “What ifs” that I have faced, I just take the plunge, head first, no helmet on, and see the bottom part of that question.
Currently, I am hounded by the conversation I have had spent with a colleague few weeks back. We talked as spontaneously, open soul, one and one with discussions we both agreed and differed at the same time. It is quiet refreshing to converse with someone who speaks your very own language, the books you read and the realizations about life. I did not mind giving up the chance for shut eye because what I have gathered over the course of our conversations has successfully haunted me until now.
During the whole time we talked, we jumped from topics to topics, just like the butterfly from one flower to flower trying to harvest nectar. Spontaneous, intense, challenging and thought provoking conversations that really drove all the sleepy feeling and the desire to sleep. My friend, it is not always that you discover or meet someone who can draw you into meaningful conversations and would really leave an impact with your thoughts and decisions. Over time, our conversations fell on the questions with my favorite mentally stimulating words, WHAT and IF.
Once, this was used as a famous line in the movie of Amanda Seyfried in Letters to Juliet. It goes like this:
“‘What’ and ‘if’ two words as non threatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?’..
My friend as asked me, “WHAT IF I have come to realize that I am not truly in love with my partner?” I was a bit surprised with my friend’s question knowing that my friend has been totally committed to a very loyal partner. I prodded my friend to elaborate further. My friend said that being in a relationship for some time, the first few months have been intensely fun, loving and all warm. Then overtime, my friend just realized that the honeymoon phase had waned out and that my friend cannot see the future with the current partner. The only problem is, my friend cannot bear the thought of bailing out, and neither tells the truth or even face the consequence because hurting the other person is too much of a crime for someone who just loved tremendously.
I allowed my friend to continue to lament about the fear of reprisal, dealing with unwanted consequences and threw another question that got me into thinking. “How do you know if you are in love? Do you love the person because you are loved exactly the way you wanted to be loved or you love the idea of being in love?”
When my friend asked me for our roles to be reversed and made me answer the question, I was thoughtless for a moment. And I could not give a concrete answer. Until now, I am still processing the question while grappling for answers.
We also talked about the future, why we do not see ourselves settled, or our demons hushed. Overtime, I have come to grasp one hard truth. We wanted answers to all our questions of WHAT IFs but we are not brave to search for them and swallow the truth when they dawn to us in the end of our quest.
I used to think, what if I pursued my passion to be a doctor, regardless of the consequences it might have brought upon me and my loved ones, will I feel better in the long run? What if I have been brave to go after what I have wanted instead of allowing things to take their courses, will I still be the same person now? What if I have realized that I have chosen the wrong person to love? Will I find my ever after or will it teach me something and transform me into a different being? What if I have taken the trip that will change my perspective of the world? Will it help me become experienced and aware of what is going on around me? If I have given up on love, will I be brave to face the world alone? What if I give up on the knot that bound me to the end, will it actually free my soul and being or will it be a great regret that will gnaw my heart till eternity?
Too many questions, too complex and unfathomable at the same time. And to be honest, I don’t have the answers for all these questions right now. Perhaps, as I carry on in this journey, I will eventually discover the answers that will either break my heart to pieces or will mold me into a stronger and wiser human being. Oh well, the demons declared defeat to sleep this time. Time to ready for slumber. Until the next standoff in my beautiful mind, my loves.