My Malaysian Love Affair. The Gypsy in Esmeralda, Sans Quasimodo.

“We wander for distraction but we travel for fulfillment.” –Hilaire Belloc

I had too much to deal with lately and I really wanted to breathe somewhere that I can have fun, think and write. I am not a coward; I do not run away from whatever stresses me out usually. I am the type to sit down, get a pen and paper and write whatever possible solutions or consequences I can think of to that specific problem. But lately, my plate was just too much, it was brimming full and I am about to explode.

So, out of the blue, I went on a trip –alone. I was hesitant at first. I had a lot of what ifs. What if I will get lost? What if I will get sick in the middle of my trip with no one to help me with? What if I will be ripped off or worst be in danger? What if I will be drugged or raped? Hahaha. I thought of that too. I have had too many what ifs but I really wanted to get away from what is suffocating so me. I needed to be somewhere foreign, where I can actually test myself if I can ever be alone, and I wanted a breath of fresh air. With so many things that were holding me down, I booked a ticket via Cebu Pacific. I took a three day leave, leaving people, things and my comfort zone behind. I packed lightly, packing only my essentials and I did not have a specific place in mind. I wanted to go somewhere I am slightly familiar of, and where people can actually speak English decently. I was thinking of going to Vietnam, but I haven’t spent enough time to research for the place. I was also thinking of Thailand, but it is also a rainy season there and Thailand is my bucket place for that hot, summer body, so it was automatically out of my options. I have a lot of Indonesian trip due to my job and when I get back to flying; my roster is actually full of Jakarta flights. Bali is also out of the option list since, again, it isn’t summer anymore. Seoul, Japan and China were in almost winter season and I wanted to travel lightly, plus I have an auto immune problem that, when triggered with the cold temperature, renders me useless and won’t be able to walk. My best option was Malaysia, given that I have had a lot of flights there but I never had the chance to explore the place on my own pace and timing. Malaysia was perfect for me, – a mix of cultural hot pots and a bustling city of decent, good mannered people that spoke English quiet well.

I had no specific plans, no specific destinations, and no specific itinerary. I guess, this was my ever first time to jump out of the sinking boat and swam to the surface all by myself and without the help of any life jacket. My three days trip was further extended for another three days. And I did not regret every bit of it.

When I left from Manila, I was on an assignment, – to challenge myself and see if I can actually make it to the real world all by myself. When I returned from Malaysia, I was a different person. How different? You may ask. I have discovered that I am brave enough to travel the unknown and that I am capable of it.

Free your gypsy soul, loves. I came back a gypsy like Esmeralda. Only that, I haven’t found my Quasimodo. ❤

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When Love Cannot Live When There Is No Trust. A Dead Metaphor Of Cupid and Psyche Or Whatever.

This is the time again where I find myself in the scourge of a heartbreak. I am in this seesaw motion of holding on, letting go and all the stupidity in every relationship that I cannot just run away from. Either I am plainly stupid for falling head first while I refuse to take note of the warning signs or is it because I am a headstrong woman who loves the explosion of feel good hormones and jumps to the unknown and then suffer the consequence in the end. I choose to be the latter. After all, I am the adventurous type, always curious and a wonder.

You, my readers will actually think I am a lover of stupidity but allow me to rationalize my current dilemma since reality deludes me or maybe, just maybe, I refuse to go through the process of realization and acceptance. In short, I would like to cling to the torture and I do not want to acknowledge that something good has happened and now, has ended.

I was afforded moments of genuine bliss, extreme happiness and exhilarating rollercoaster ride of fights and make ups. Scoff. This is what love does to people, after all. I was happy, and for the first time, I prefer not to go through the details of my relationship. All I can say is that I had a taste of heaven with a wonderful person and now, I have realized that I am still in the planet. I guess, at that time, it was only my giddy head and my happy heart that had the trip to heaven and now, my entire body has descended to reality.

I did not regret the times I have spent with that special person. I also did not regret the decisions I took, especially the doors that I have chosen to close for that person. I could say that he deserved to be given the love, the attention and the best of me. I do not know how was I able to judge what he deserved to get from me, but I guess, the mere fact that I was really happy with him was enough to actually give my best to him. At the end of everything, I feel better while I decided to close this door because I know that I have given all of me, the best of me and the best of the love I can ever give.

I no longer want to delve into the depths of heartbreak. All I ever felt was my rib cage constricting my lungs at every breath I take while phone calls after phone calls were cancelled and rejected on the other end. I felt that familiar stab in my heart for every single message that was unread knowing that the person has been online for some time. The sting of tears in my eyes as I fight back the urge to curl and cry was too strong that it enabled me to stay awake for the entire night while the rest of the world slumber their worries away.

Love cannot live when there is no trust, Cupid spoke this to his beloved Psyche in Greek mythology, as Psyche failed to trust her lover and almost killed him in the process when the beautiful woman was being put into a test by Venus, the mother of Cupid. Many reasons can break a fairy tale. That is why we are all required to be pro active in protecting and keeping the relationship burning. And one of the greatest wedge to every relationship is misunderstanding, and the other person’s refusal to acknowledge the truth. I am expecting great love, understanding, forgiveness and trust. But this was not the case. The moment the other person stopped feeling the passion, fueled by distractions of any sort, there is nothing else to do but wave the white flag and surrender.

My failed love did not kill me in the process. I felt dead for a while, well, at that exact moment when that person refused to have a civil and mature communication with me, actually. I felt numbed and irrational and crazy and miserable. And I gave up but not because I loved him less but because I came to realize that its a futile effort to reason out with someone who is so set to believe otherwise. So, today, I chose to open my coffin and rise from the dead gracefully. I chose to see my heartbreak as a way to find myself; I may have lost myself in the process of loving the person while I took the other aspects of my life in the backseat. While I was good in writing about dealing with heartbreak in baby steps, I actually found myself reading my previous posts and painfully incorporating self-healing in my daily living. I have realized that I have matured in the process of heart-break in different forms. Instead of asking a lot of whys and what ifs and how could you, I chose to walk past those roadblocks and let go. I do not want to ask questions anymore. Getting an answer is not exactly helping sometimes. (Read related post: https://themessagefactory.wordpress.com/2014/06/25/baby-steps-away-from-heartbreak/)

I do not want to know what went wrong anymore. I blindly followed my heart, and the road to that specific happiness has reached the dead-end. It is time to close this book, latch and file under the PAST category. While I promised myself to never look back, I also admit that the feelings I have had for that person remains. I felt no regrets in my end because I know deep in my heart, I was loved, and have loved deeply. I gave my all, with no hesitation and expectations. I would like to believe that I have fought well in the arena of love.

Today, beginning today, I will slowly assess myself. I am precious, not too many but I will always see myself as precious, important and worth loving. And I know that there are other people out there who find me special, and worth of every love. Slowly, painfully, I will rise, like a beautiful phoenix, in the ashes of heartbreak and betrayal by looking after myself. Nobody will love me like I should love myself. Every strip of Band Aids will be utilized to cover every cracks of my heart, and every pain will be used to fuel the run, the push ups and every painful repetitions in the gym. What hurts me now, and what has been stopping me to live will never kill me. For some time, I will only focus on myself. It is high time to dust my diaries and planners for written secrets, dreams and plans. It is time to run after priorities that I placed beneath my bed and this is certainly the time to pack my bags and be in that airport terminal of the destination called New Beginning. And today, my life is a new different story, a blank page, an empty spot. But slowly, I intend to draw future plans, risks and challenges I faced and it will all be in different colors. I intend to make it as colorful and vibrant as it should be.

My flight to New Beginning is calling. It’s time to board the airplane. Meanwhile, I hope you find your inner goddess to help you move past your current distress, my loves. ❤

XX

While The World Was Busy Beating Me Down

Photo: Find your Happy & don't let it go. 󾬖

 

While the world was busy beating me down, I got busy beating myself preparing for another battle that have created a huge impact with my career flow and future. Looking back at how heartbroken I was during the summer, I could not believe how time was my good friend, helping me back on my feet. Summer was supposed to be beautiful, fun and flirty. Summer represents beach, the beautiful sands that tickles your feet, and the heat that adds up to your hotness. I always look forward for summer. Summer is about summer romances, the chance to flaunt those sexy bodies we all worked hard during the pre summer months and all the fun we can all get. My summer was about tears, heartbreak and the need to get out of the shell I thought was my comfort zone. My summer represented the need for change, to stand stronger and create a ripple effect for all the things that I was used to and felt that needed to be changed. And so while the world with all the drama in it was beating me to my knees, I fought back and beat myself in the gym instead. I ran and ran until the sides of my abdomen hurt and I was out of breath. I did crunches until I cannot bend the next day. I did a hundred of push up exercises until I cannot twist my sides. I changed my meal and eating habits. I stopped consuming empty calories and replaced it with healthy and nutrient laden foods. True, I agree that ice cream and chocolates increase your feel good hormones but I refrained from consuming them. Whenever I felt down, no matter how tired I was from the flight, I always dragged myself to the gym to do some running and crunches. I got myself a very colorful trainer from Nike and it encouraged me to actually run in the treadmill. I took care of my skin. I made sure that I have removed my make ups before going to sleep by using a cleansing oil with a soft tissue first and then I washed my face with a gentle soap twice. I made it a habit to put moisturizer every night and sun block every day. I lovingly put body oil after I showered to retain moisture. I made myself busy making myself look good and feel good. Whenever sadness crept in, I engaged in marathon with The Big Bang Theory while munching on carrot sticks. I had 3 cups of green tea every day and 2 liters of water every single day. I stopped eating aircraft foods and all those oil rich, fatty burgers and fries. I always loved take outs, but when I decided to do a lifestyle change, I started to make my food. In that way, I was in control of my salt, sugar and fat intakes. Mentally, I forced myself back to my love for reading books. I began to check my phone and I have discovered that there were so many downloaded books that I haven’t read yet. So, I began reading them, like 2 books or article per day. Luckily, those books were actually inspiring, self helps, motivational and guide to become a better, well-rounded individual. I For the first few weeks, I can say that it was a struggle. Gym and food habits were the hardest to change. But overtime, I have acquired the mentality that I am doing all these things for myself. The discipline I was enforcing upon myself was slowly becoming visible to the people around me. I had this auto immune disorder which bothers me at any day of the month, but when I started to eat clean and practiced a healthy lifestyle, I practically go about my days with no pain or any bothersome symptoms. Few months later, I found myself feeling good, and slowly moving forward with my life. I felt lighter, bubblier, and happier. I have occasional drama and run ins with hurtful memories but I always bounced back in a positive light.

While the world was busy letting me down, I was busy cultivating a positive mentality. I promised myself to be nicer, gentler and compassionate to others because being good and doing good made me feel good about myself. And then I decided to simply be sensitive to other people’s feelings around me for they might be having a battle on their own in silence.

While the world was busy throwing painful moments at me, I was busy improving myself. I was busy finding good in everything that was thrown into me. I have discovered friendships that I have neglected long ago, and people who lovingly stayed with me all throughout my struggles. And I found some extremely special people who became my comrades in my battle. I have made genuine friendships with ordinary colleagues, with random people whom I only say hello to whenever I saw them, and with exes whom I have sworn I will never talk to in my whole lifetime. And I am significantly grateful for that.

When the world was busy drowning me in the sea of uncertainties and despairs, I was busy pushing myself to my limits. I jumped headfirst into interviews, which at first, I doubted if I can get through, given my physical defect and to my surprise, offers came left and right.

When the world was busy breaking my heart from all the unexpected betrayals, I was given the chance to discover that there are actually people who love me unconditionally. And I realized that not all betrayals are bad. Sometimes, it is a way to show you who is meant to stay with you for a long time, who is worth your sacrifices and who is worth spending the rest of your life with.

Fast forward to my life now, I am honestly admitting that I had days where I cheated with my healthy habits. I slipped in my healthy regimen and I have a lot of excuses. But the drive was always there.  I am grateful for the pain that my summer put me through. I am grateful for all the things I have learned. It made me value the people around me, every moment I have spent with the people I have loved and the relationships I have had. I am grateful for the experience and the drive it brought me, the desire to be healthy in all aspects. It brought me to a far better and happier spring. Plus, I have a better future that awaits me. I know winter is a cold season, but my heart will never feel cold. It is beating with such warmth and genuine gratitude, only a person who is in love will understand. ❤

What If? The Demon Whispered.

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I often wonder if I am the only person in the world who constantly does mental conversations. I used to think that I am queer, different and highly unusual. I mean, I think a lot. I do mental conversations everywhere, in the bus, in the aircraft, in the street, in the shower and almost everywhere else. By a lot, means that I always have the urge to get my phone to write or grab my laptop and type my thoughts away. I only feel better when I put my demons in to sleep by putting their endless whispers into words.

Just as I am longing for meaningful human activities outside the confines of my box and erratic work schedules, I also long for deep, reflective conversations just with anybody. I haven’t had the chance to establish deep and thoughtful conversations the past few months actually. Do not get me wrong, and do not think of this as weird. I have limited social life, limited social interactions and very limited drive to go about my social and human activities because I live in Saudi Arabia. I am greatly bored. True, only boring people are bored. But, welcome to my world where I am bound in the four corners of this box where you cannot go out without a company, nor hang out with a group of friends in public because, well, let me put it mildly, I am in a super conservative country strongly governed by religion as its law. You might say, “Why not go out with your female friends, have coffee or lunch or shopping at least?” Go figure. People would rather sleep than go out and have fancy coffee or a shopping spree because they are tired. Our work schedules are not that rest-friendly. Plus, you have to wear some garment over what you are actually wearing since it is not allowed to just be in your actual clothes, and of course, you cannot stay late or you might be subjected to harassment being female out in the streets or worst be dragged, kidnapped or robbed. So then, what do we do? We do nothing. We eat, sleep, have sex if we can, fly, go home, eat and well, it’s a never ending cycle. Oh, you can do gym though. That is, if your gym is well equipped, plus, if you are not physically drained from your passengers or the sectors that you did.

It has been a long time since I have blogged about my encounters for these “bare all you can” conversation with others. The last blog I had was when I was held in a date against my will through manipulations and coercion which turned out as mind opening and thoroughly thought stimulating. Lately, or shall I say the past few months has been a series of endless and restless flights and immature drama which is not surprising for me. And at the same time, I have lost the drive for meaningful conversations given the few people that surrounded me and hounded my inner sense of peace.

Being holed up in a place where I have limited access to the outside environment, public interactions of the opposite sex or freedom to actually do something without being reprimanded by religious guards or being preyed upon by perverts and sex- starved weirdoes. I believe at some point that there is so much life and lively activities inside my head than the life I currently have.

To relieve my head of the nonsense and some significant contemplation, allow me to bury some demons in my backyard, which is my blog site. Feel free to cringe, to relate or simply leave if you feel like doing so.

I strongly agree to a picture quote I found in Pinterest once. It says something like; you will go crazy and will not last a moment if you try to be in my head. True enough, I believe you will bail out the moment you have the chance because my head is a doodle of loops, lines and incoherent thoughts that waits processing and reflection.  I am a thinker. I do not do justice to over thinking. I am more like over- over- over thinking. But the sad part to it is that in the end, or during the course of my cerebral  tête-à-tête, I beat myself over my life decisions, frustrations over future plans on how to put them into materialization, disappointments for things that did not turn out the way I would have wanted them to be, and well, some other crazy thoughts that is somehow inappropriate to write here. Nevertheless, I do not stop thinking. I CANT stop thinking. In retrospection, I have always considered myself of being an impulsive thinker. Ironic, isn’t it? For impulsive is described as someone who has the tendency to act on sudden urges or desires while a thinker is synonymous to being logical and rational. I am both, but more on the impulsive side perhaps. Rationalization happens in the end when I am about to deal with the consequences. In all the “What ifs” that I have faced, I just take the plunge, head first, no helmet on, and see the bottom part of that question.

Currently, I am hounded by the conversation I have had spent with a colleague few weeks back. We talked as spontaneously, open soul, one and one with discussions we both agreed and differed at the same time. It is quiet refreshing to converse with someone who speaks your very own language, the books you read and the realizations about life. I did not mind giving up the chance for shut eye because what I have gathered over the course of our conversations has successfully haunted me until now.

During the whole time we talked, we jumped from topics to topics, just like the butterfly from one flower to flower trying to harvest nectar. Spontaneous, intense, challenging and thought provoking conversations that really drove all the sleepy feeling and the desire to sleep. My friend, it is not always that you discover or meet someone who can draw you into meaningful conversations and would really leave an impact with your thoughts and decisions. Over time, our conversations fell on the questions with my favorite mentally stimulating words, WHAT and IF.

Once, this was used as a famous line in the movie of Amanda Seyfried in Letters to Juliet. It goes like this:

“‘What’ and ‘if’ two words as non threatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?’..

My friend as asked me, “WHAT IF I have come to realize that I am not truly in love with my partner?” I was a bit surprised with my friend’s question knowing that my friend has been totally committed to a very loyal partner. I prodded my friend to elaborate further. My friend said that being in a relationship for some time, the first few months have been intensely fun, loving and all warm. Then overtime, my friend just realized that the honeymoon phase had waned out and that my friend cannot see the future with the current partner. The only problem is, my friend cannot bear the thought of bailing out, and neither tells the truth or even face the consequence because hurting the other person is too much of a crime for someone who just loved tremendously.

I allowed my friend to continue to lament about the fear of reprisal, dealing with unwanted consequences and threw another question that got me into thinking. “How do you know if you are in love? Do you love the person because you are loved exactly the way you wanted to be loved or you love the idea of being in love?”

When my friend asked me for our roles to be reversed and made me answer the question, I was thoughtless for a moment. And I could not give a concrete answer. Until now, I am still processing the question while grappling for answers.

We also talked about the future, why we do not see ourselves settled, or our demons hushed. Overtime, I have come to grasp one hard truth. We wanted answers to all our questions of WHAT IFs but we are not brave to search for them and swallow the truth when they dawn to us in the end of our quest.

I used to think, what if I pursued my passion to be a doctor, regardless of the consequences it might have brought upon me and my loved ones, will I feel better in the long run? What if I have been brave to go after what I have wanted instead of allowing things to take their courses, will I still be the same person now? What if I have realized that I have chosen the wrong person to love? Will I find my ever after or will it teach me something and transform me into a different being? What if I have taken the trip that will change my perspective of the world? Will it help me become experienced and aware of what is going on around me? If I have given up on love, will I be brave to face the world alone? What if I give up on the knot that bound me to the end, will it actually free my soul and being or will it be a great regret that will gnaw my heart till eternity?

Too many questions, too complex and unfathomable at the same time. And to be honest, I don’t have the answers for all these questions right now. Perhaps, as I carry on in this journey, I will eventually discover the answers that will either break my heart to pieces or will mold me into a stronger and wiser human being. Oh well, the demons declared defeat to sleep this time. Time to ready for slumber. Until the next standoff in my beautiful mind, my loves.

KitchTen Minute: Bread Pudding from Scratch

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Okay, I am craving for some homemade pudding I used to get from Café Leona’s in Cebu and I was dreaming about it for some time. And by some naughty trick of the Universe, I found some left over bread but I cannot tell you where I found them. Haha. Seriously, I took it from the aircraft. Okay, alright, I know it is not allowed to take anything from the aircraft but I just had the impulse to take the bread that is about to be thrown. (I promise, they are going to throw it away since they are changing our catering supplies. Hmmm. I think I sound super guilty now.) So basically, when I saw the bread, an idea popped in my head. I mean, why not make pudding out from the stale bread. Although technically, they were not stale yet. So yeah, during my flight today, I took the entire pack, (*slightly guilty here*) and brought them home. I was not very tired since I only operated just one leg. In the aviation lingo, leg means flight.

Anyway, I am just too happy with the result although it appears “custard like” to me. Nevertheless, it satisfied my cravings.

Here’s how I did it. Okay, this did not take me ten minutes to bake. I guess it took me ten minutes to prepare and forty minutes to bake. So for the heck of my chosen title of KitchTen Minute, let this recipe be labeled under KitchTen Minute: Bread Pudding from Scratch.

  1. I took bread from the aircraft. Okay, you can find bread in your pantry or fridge that has sat for a few days. Make sure there are no molds in the bread.
  2. I prepared milk, sugar and eggs. I simply measured everything by approximation.
  3. In a bowl, I mixed melted butter, milk and four eggs. I wanted my pudding fluffy so I added more eggs. I mixed them very well and added a pinch of salt.
  4. In another bowl, I crushed the bread. Crushed – since the consistency of the bread is that of a soft cracker. (Yeah, I don’t like the bread in the aircraft. I don’t eat them during flight.)
  5. I greased the baking pan with melted butter and started putting bread making sure they occupy the entire four corners of the pan. Then I poured the mixture and made sure that they all get soggy. (Too soggy for my taste. Duh.)
  6. I preheated the oven to 180 degrees from ten minutes and placed the pan to bake for 40 minutes making sure that the top part does not get burned.
  7. Once done, I took it out to cool.

I am a bit of a frustrated chef, so I played with toppings. I have some strawberry cheesecake icercream and I decided putting it as a topping. The cold ice cream added some texture to the warm pudding and well, for the heck of it, I can say that it tasted good. ❤ Hope you get what you are craving for. And I hope you get your own pudding done right. J

Pride at Twenty Eight

Life-Is-A-Beautiful-Journey

I am twenty eight. Yet, I have been through so many things which I am both proud and ashamed of. I am this headstrong person who instead of going with the flow, I rush hastily against the current. I enjoy diving head first, relishing and sometimes mortified with the consequences of my unthinkable actions. I defy rules, after all, they are all meant to be broken. I challenges superiority, I hate being inferior among neither my peers nor the environment I thrive in. I am different, unconventional and oftentimes regarded as queer. But in my twenty eight years of existence, I have learned that life does not require me to live how it is being imposed. I have to learn it. And here are my top 10 bad ass well learned realizations as I sat in the confines on my room while listening to the incessant chatters outside the living room.

 

1. I am a child of the Universe and I have every right to be here. Wherever life threw me, I am meant to be in those places. Who would have thought that the Universe will throw me in a male dominant environment where I, as a feeble, teeny tiny female was meant to thrive and survive for quite some time now? Here and there, now and before, I was meant to exist.

2. It is okay to be angry sometimes and it is very okay to be hot tempered. I have a quick temper. And I believe it is because I am both an Arian and born under the year of the Tiger. (Hey, that’s how I see it, okay?) I have been angry for over some time as well. And it felt good and bad at the same time. I kept the anger bottled inside me, and I just want to punch someone in the throat. But over time, I have learned to manage my anger. No, I don’t count from one to ten. I smile and create murder plans in my head. Kidding aside, I agree that it is okay to be angry but I don’t have the right to be cruel.

3. To get to the top, I must beat myself to death without complaints. I hate seeing people succeed because they drop other people. I wanted to be promoted because I am recognized to be good with what I do and I good I am with what I can do. I always believe that I should work my ass off to be in the position I aim for. I spent some time learning the fundamentals and techniques of the job I wanted before I was able to get it.

4. I never stop believing in the beauty of my dreams. I have been told over and over that I dream big and I dream high and that I should stop. Well, it fueled me more to go after my dreams. Who would have thought that I would be in this flight attendant job now given my “special case” and stature? To be honest, I do not think I am a flight attendant material. I always believed that to be one, you should be flawlessly beautiful. FLAWLESS. But here I am. Next stop, a stethoscope in my neck, a lab coat and a tag for doctor. And if you say I won’t be able to do it, I’d say, WATCH ME.

5. I love my job to a fault but I love my family more. Reality wise, my job required me to work overseas. I am far from my family and well, I am always bombarded with various family dramas, yet, I do not have the heart to turn my back at them. I love my family fiercely, no questions asked. At the end of the day, when I fucked up in the end and lose everything, I will come running to my family, for sure.

6. It is acceptable to walk out of toxic relationships, failed love affairs, fake friendships and anything that is unhealthy for my well being. I have fallen in love countless times. I have been broken many times as well. I have been a victim of scheming and fair weathered friends and I have burned bridges several times. It felt good to finally get the courage to just pour the gasoline, light the match and throw it to the bridge and watch it burn to ashes. I never regretted the relationships I have terminated. I felt lighter and better in the end. After all, I am doing it for myself.

7. Never set limits to yourself. I hate being confined to the do’s and don’ts of life. I am the type who likes to go beyond the limits. I had a life threatening accident nine years ago and I was told I will not be able to finish school for I will have memory problems and I was shaved bald. For someone who loved long hair, it was bad enough for me to be shaved bald surgically but all the more it was worse when you are asked to quit school because they are certain that you will never survive the rigorous demands of the curriculum. Eight days later after my surgery, I walked to my school grounds heavily bandaged in the head and determined to finish the remaining months of my school year. Guess what, I graduated on time, and passed the licensure exam with minimal review.

8. Be passionate with what and who you want to be. I am passionate about so many things, yet sometimes, I find myself subjected to what ifs. Over time, I began to battle against the demons that told me that I cannot do it and I gathered strength from people who believed in me. I am so passionate about writing, so I finally created a blog site and it just felt good to be able to maximize my potentials and discover raw talents that needs polishing. There are so many things I want to do, but I have learned to prioritize them accordingly.

9. It is absolutely alright to commit mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes. A whole lot. Sometimes I feel sorry, and sometimes I don’t feel any remorse at all. I am unapologetically myself. I have had my share of gossips, and I have been subjected to cruel remarks. Yet, I feel comfortable in my own skin, in my being me. I say what I mean, I mean what I say. I do not take craps from anybody. And I have learned to respect the individuality of others. I am also not afraid to make mistakes because according to my one of my mentors before in my university days, “There is no such thing as mistakes, only lessons learned.”

10. Fuck what people say, I should be happy at all cost. This society has imposed how one should live one’s life. Goodness, people are so self righteous nowadays, yet they too, have skeletons in their closets. I have the balls now to refuse how society imposes on how I should live my life. I can drink, go to smoke or have a one night stand given that I am accountable for my actions. I have learned not to care what people will think or what will say, because after all, in the end, I am responsible for my own life. I CAN and WILL do all the things that will make me happy. Life is too short for me to worry what they will think, because no matter what I do, whether good or bad, people will always have something bad to say.

Well, I am just twenty eight. For sure, when I get to thirty, or thirty five or forty, there will be so much more to learn. For the meantime, I just simply resolve to go on with my life as it is. Looking back, I can say that I am really proud of how far I have come. And I look forward to what I will become. For now, I will go through endless questioning, spending more sleepless nights wondering and thinking, obsessing about the future, working hard to get to where I want to be and just simply enjoy the roller coaster ride of my God given life. ❤

JumpSeat Stories: My Dubai Experience

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I recently travelled to the United Arab Emirates on days off a week ago and I can say that the experience was beautiful. I wished that I was able to do it over and over. I meant, I should have done travels on days off within the vicinity of Saudi Arabia. I could have gone to few places when Jeddah is driving me insane.

To be honest, I was at the point of losing my head, my schedule was not busy, and my standby days were not that heavy. I felt like I am getting crazy over the drama in my work place, the negativity of people around me and I didn’t like waking up to constant depressing mornings. I have always believed that when you wake up in the morning, you should always look forward to the day and you should always feel good so that it will emanate all throughout the day. With what was going through around me, I decided to just pack and leave. Well not literally. I actually had pending job interviews so it was like hitting two birds with one stone – mini vacation plus job interviews. So I requested for days off dates, booked my tickets and visa and hopped on to my escape.

I left Jeddah with no sleep at all since I operated on a flight and when I arrived, I only had four hours left and I have not packed yet; and I slept in the aircraft with a creepy guy in the opposite aisle staring intently at me. I really don’t know what his problem is. Maybe I looked funny as my head was lolling like a retarded seal when I slept. Or maybe I opened my mouth and I looked freakish. But I am too sleepy to care anymore so I continued my mini sleep to la-la land.

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When I arrived in Dubai, I was met by my best friend D who was my personal guide all throughout my UAE experience. We travelled to Abu Dhabi where I marveled at the two hour bus journey with high speed wifi connection. I did not feel sleepy, I enjoyed the city lights. We arrived at the bus station to bring us to the hotel where I was booked and we were starving so we decided to eat at the nearest mall called Al Wahda. We were petite yet we had huge appetites. Over dinner, we exchanged some stories about jobs, families and basically everything that has happened over the six months that we have not seen each other. After our sugar rush, we felt groggy and we felt the need to hit the bed so we took a taxi all the way to the hotel.

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Upon arriving at the hotel, in Premier Inn, I have failed to book an extra day so I paid it in cash, only to be given a cabin crew discount for Etihad as they thought I am an Etihad cabin crew. *BLUSH*

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When we arrived in the room, D couldn’t help but gush over the hotel’s interior design. She looked cute taking pictures and jumping straight to the bed. Well, the hotel is very nice, not bad for an airport hotel. It was very posh, and elegant. I have met Moon, a hotel receptionist from Myanmar. She is so sweet and accommodating, even telling me that she also mistook me for a cabin crew for Etihad. *ANOTHER BLUSH*

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We went to a mall the next day so I can have my nails done. Afterwards, D has to go back to Dubai for her duty. I was left alone to figure out the entire place myself. Luckily, I was able to return to the hotel on time for my preparation of documents and make up sessions.

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The next day was the actual interview day. Arrived at the place too early, with so many candidates and other trainees. And again, I was mistaken for a cabin crew in training. *BLUSH* I will not tell you about the entire process because the purpose of this blog is to share to you about the fun that I had.

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I went back to Dubai after my interview. I met D and some other friends. I told D that I was craving for pork and some local dish we have back home and she was gracious enough to make food for me. She actually made me walk under the blistering and scorching sun to get to her apartment. I wasn’t complaining that much. I can deal with the heat of the sun, but I hate the sweat that trickles my face and body. Haha! Sweat in the sun equates to formation of acne for me. And I hate that. Anyway, we reached her apartment and she made this delicious food for me.

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Later on, we head to her workplace and I was introduced to Z, another beautiful soul I met. Actually it was an overdue meeting. I have known Z during D’s stint in the UK. We also met L, my long time friend and high school classmate whom I have not met for 12 years, in Dubai Mall later on when D finished her shift. We had dinner in Katsuya, a Japanese restaurant over sushi and the beautiful water dancing just outside our balcony view.

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Later on, Z had to leave to meet her other friend and the gang decided to chill in Starbucks and decided to watch a movie. Spiderman was overdue to watch and so we chose it and later on, the girls went with me to my hotel to pack and head back to the airport for Jeddah where I operated a flight later on with no sleep – at all.

Over all, I can say that I had so much fun. So much that I don’t ever want to go back to the sandpit. It was like whenever I crave for something, it is so easy to hail a taxicab and head to the mall, chill in the coffee shop and just have fun anywhere without the need to wear abaya (a black, flowy garment worn by women to conceal their body and skin), or be apprehensive about going out alone because the men here are somewhat ignorant of women.

To date, I miss the place. I miss being in Dubai. I miss being in an open country. And most of all, I long to be free. Well, on a happy note, I got hired by two major airline companies. Indeed I am blessed. ❤ So, see you soon Dubai. I am definitely coming back for good. ❤ Happiness!!!